About six months ago, my friend whom I had feelings for got a girlfriend. His name is Alex, and up until partway through my year in GL, he was my best friend in the world. We talked all the time, about everything -- what we were learning, how to be a witness, new music, funny people we ran into during the week. He always made me laugh and could dive deep into matters of the human soul just as fast as I could (which is, I think, a rare trait).
He had feelings for me too, but we were never anything more than friends. (Not "technically", but I know onlookers would snicker otherwise.) I never wanted to be anything more. At least, not now I didn't.
But maybe, maybe someday...
Truth is, I had hoped and thought that he would wait for me, after GL was done and I was ready. I thought that's what I would want when I was done. For a while I truly believed that he was the one.
But my standards and desires changed during the year. As amazing a friend, brother, and Christ-follower he is, maybe I might want something... more. Different, even. Someone who walks in all of these Truths that I've now learned, too. Prophectic destiny, the heart of a Son and Daughter, theological views, all of that. And I didn't want him to be a distraction to what I needed to focus on here and now, in GL.
So I gave him up, temporarily, and decided not to communicate with him for a while unless it was initiated by him. I bought and sent him a birthday present from Central America while we were on our missions trip, but aside from that there was nothing.
And so everything just... faded. Our messages became few and far between. Maybe I thought we'd pick up where we left off once I graduated.
Then one night in May, my Facebook feed announced that he was in a relationship.
I tried really hard to be okay. And maybe for a time, I was.
I mean, we were just friends, right? I made it clear that was all that I wanted, and he agreed whole-heartedly.
But I thought.... I thought he would wait for me.
So did he just move on with his life? Forget about me? Did he think I had forgotten about him, having moved on to bigger and better things? Was there some kind of unspoken rejection signals sent between us?
I would love the chance to sit down and ask him all those things. For clarity's sake, if nothing else.
Ultimately (and I'm trying to be honest with myself here), I think I really would be fine with him having a girlfriend... if our friendship had remained the same. In fact, a girlfriend-element would have probably taken a good deal of awkwardness and guessing out of our relationship. I would know exactly where our friendship stood. That would have been nice. But we never talk anymore.
I did finally muster up the courage to message him again, and ask if he would be uncomfortable still corresponding with me while dating her. He reassured me that I was still one of his dearest friends.
And things are crazy busy for two college students, I get that. He has his own life on the other side of the state and I have mine. We have different priorities now. But I just miss talking to him. I miss his goofy antics, I miss listening to music and laughing with him, I miss the way he used to challenge and encourage me.
Affections or no, I really just miss his friendship.
But I know we can't ever be that close again. Not like we were. My heart strings couldn't take the pulling.
I miss those really late-night, soul-to-soul talks. I miss those hugs that came with them. But I know now that I can not share that level of closeness with any man again until he becomes my husband, if I don't want my heart to get cracked again.
Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The nice thing about memories is that you can view them through a different lense, usually clearer. You can choose how you want to view them, with a filter of joy or of bitterness. I've chosen the former. I love smiling - and laughing - at the things that happened. But I rarely talk about them.
So yes, we're still friends. And still very good friends, apparently. But friends who pretty much never talk to each other. *shrug* I guess that's alright. We all have seasons.
But there's still that dull ache when I think about him. Or when I see his pictures on Facebook. I've broken off soul-ties, I've talked to mentors about it, I've prayed and released him to be free and blessed in his life, wherever he goes.
But there's still something special, in the memories. I don't know if it's The Lord, letting him continue to stand out in my mind for some purpose, or if it's something I need to continue to work to let go of.
I talk to Jesus about it a lot. And I wish I could talk to other people about it. But it like there's a gap in my life that we just don't talk about... Or if we do, only in passing.
"Hey, do you remember that one time when we...?"
"Oh yeah! And Alex was with us, right? That was so funny!"
We just...don't...talk about it. We don't talk about Alex.
Any why is that? Why can't we?
Probably because people don't know what, if anything, happened, and they're scared to bring anything up. Or they've just forgotten. Maybe it was never a big deal to them.
Some of my very favorite memories are with him. I want to enjoy them, I want to share them with others... But it's like a barricade that I can't get past. Alex isn't in my life anymore... And nobody was really sure of what our friendship "status" was... So we just don't talk about him.
It sounds like a breakup. Doesn't that sound like a breakup? "He disappeared and we never hear sbout him, and there's confusion and probably pain so we'll just pretend like that season didn't happen"?
But... I need to talk about it. I need to process, maybe even hurt a little. I want to be able to smile fondly at memories of my friend, Alex Shin, that crazy Asian guy who did the weirdest, funniest, bestest things -- not the cringe at what did or didn't happen the ignore it.
Sometimes I'm tempted to give into those questions -- "what does she have that I don't have?" "Would things have been different if we had stayed in better contact?" "Is there something wrong with me because he didn't wait for me?" "Does he ever think of me still?" and such ridiculousness like that. Truthfully, I am happy for them, and I'm glad to still have my friend, even at a distance. Really.
And I know who I am. I am still a Daughter, and I have a beautiful heart worth protecting, waiting, and fighting for. My husband, whoever he may be, is going to be awesome.
All the same, pain still happens sometimes. But it's meant to drive us farther into our Daddy's heart. In time, I know He'll heal the bruises. They won't even seem significant in the end. My future is too bright to sit and wallow without vision.
These things just take time.
~Rach
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