School and People

As of today, I am now a working college student. 

Well, sort of. I don't start work until next week, but I will be working at an ice cream shop called The Blue Moo. It's supposed to only last a month or so until summer is really over, but should be fun until then. I always thought people who worked at ice cream and shave ice shops must have fun. 

My first two classes were this afternoon, and I really like that I have all afternoon classes this semester. Having free mornings is really nice, after being so used to getting up and out the door fairly pretty every morning.

I've noticed that I inertly tend to close myself off when I enter new situations by myself - which I've had to do a lot of in the past year, being away from my family and having to go at things by myself. Security and plane boarding at the airport, for example. 

Or in this case, the school setting. I want to be friendly to everyone, I really do. I want to start conversations and make friends. Probably more so than most people. But, you ever just enter a new situation and feel like you have to be on defense? That's the best way I can think to describe it, anyway. Like I'm a closed book that needs to be dusted off and reminded that it was made for reading. Or maybe a puppy or a small child, who's scared of you until you win their trust and are patient enough, then you're their new best friend. Anyway, I guess I just feel like maybe I just get scared of people. Then I'm closed-off. Then I see other people (going into the same classroom as me) interacting and smiling and making conversation, then I remember, "Oh yeah, I can be friendly!" Maybe it sounds silly, but it's a real thing. Sometimes I just watch the people and situation and wonder why I'm not involved in it too. (Because I haven't taken the initiate to speak up and become part of the conversation. Duh.)

Thinking back to when I took a running start course at the college my Junior year, and comparing it to now, I know I've improved a lot. Classroom dynamics may still be the same (I didn't grow up in a "classroom", after all), but I'm a lot more confident in that setting now. I find it easier to be myself and I'm not o scared. I want to be intentional about pursuing relationships with others in my classes, reach out to some of them and be a blessing. I think this campus is one of the places The Lord let me here to impact. 

There's still that ol' shyness, though. In writing class this afternoon, we sat in a circle and took turns reading a fun questionnaire about ourselves that we had filled out. I wasn't nervous, per say, but I remember my face getting hot when it was my turn and my knew my cheeks were turning pink. Being the center of attention just makes me uncomfortable sometimes. But I think it's more of an intimidation-by-people thing. Feeling inferior is also something I've battled for many years (and am overcoming), but it seems to often show itself most often in these "I'm-by-myself-in-a-crowd-of-new-people" situations. Or in just typical social situations, I'm caught off-guard when someone unexpectantly focuses the attention on me. I find it difficult to just relax and be myself then. I don't know if I believe that it's just the way I'm wired, because I feel that it's something I can conquer as I become more comfortable with just being myself. And that's something that will happen over time, as I spend more time with my Father - as His thoughts about me penetrate my own. Someone said in GL this year that, "even the most jagged places become smooth, with time in the river."

So I am hopeful, very hopeful. I think The Lord has some great opportunities for me ahead, and I'm excited to just..... well, keep interacting with people, I guess. Practice makes perfect, right? And people are awesome. Life is good.

Shouldn't I be further along by now?

That's the question that I keep asking myself. Shouldn't I, though? Shouldn't I have it all together, and be thriving? I just got out of GL, after all! I thought by now I would be "fixed", so to speak - I thought I would be done fighting insecurity, depression, and discouragement, happily dancing through the rest of my life with a smile on my content face. Sure, I might run into problems, but I would always know what to do with them because of all the nifty tools I got in GL! 

That there is proof that I am an idealist. And these words that I write now, are proof that reality is... well, real. 

The thing is, nobody has it together when we get out of GL. Maybe nobody ever does in their entire lives. Maybe that's the way that God intended it - we never have it all together, but we reach the place where we've fallen into the steady dance and rhythm of depending on Him.

In any case, I don't feel like I've hit the ground running yet. I feel like GL was a swing set that we just jumped off of, but haven't yet landed out of. I feel like when school and my job starts then my feet will start touching soil, but right now I'm still up in the air. 

Since coming back home to Montana, I've fought discouragement a lot. I've cried, a lot. Seriously. I feel kinda ridiculous. It's so strange, coming back to this familiar place. It can be so easy for me to think that I'm falling back into who I was and how I acted before. Back into something that I never want to be again. I get irritated at my family still. I have wrong thoughts, and wrong motives. There are times when all I want to do is cry and scream for frustration, throw something and pull at my hair. There are times when I just want to curl up in a ball.

Shouldn't this be easier? 

Shouldn't I be loving my family all the time? Have infinite patience for my sister? Shouldn't my parents' and grandparents' idiosyncrasies just roll off my back now, like rain off my windshield back in Washington? 

If Daddy lead me back here for a reason... Shouldn't I feel fulfilled by now?

Yesterday, I pulled my car over behind the gas station, layed my head against the steering wheel and just burst into tears. Sometimes I feel like this is too much. Yet, outwardly, there's not really that much stuff coming at me. I mean, I've got no job (yet), school hasn't started yet, I've just been bumming around, really.

 I don't understand why I feel this weight bearing down on my mind, all the time. It tells me to give up. It tells me that I'm going back to the old Rachel, to life as it always was in before in Libby, before GL. The life where I always felt that same weight on my spirit but never reached out to anyone about it; the life where I was so insecure about my looks and my value that I didn't know if anyone could ever fall in love with me, completely; the life where I didn't truly believe that Daddy was that extravagantly good to me. It tells me that I haven't really grown that much, that GL didn't really do me much good. It tells me that I can't/won't make a difference he and that I better just sink into the rhythm and let life do what it will, like everyone else around here. 

This morning, after growing increasingly frustrated with my mom, I shut myself in my room and cried it out again. As much as I sincerely enjoy crying, lately I haven't because I feel like it only pushes me deeper into frustration instead of releasing tension. But this morning was different. Today, instead of feeling like I was just "venting" to God, I felt like I was actually pouring it out onto Him. I read Psalms about The Lord being my defense, and my refuge. About how a righteous man, though he fall seven times, will always get back up. About how The Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, when we delight ourselves in Him.

This morning has been particularly stressful. But in the midst of it I find myself saying, "You are my defense, Lord, and I trust you."

The enemy has no authority or power to take me out. Though I fall, I will always get back up. I don't understand how or why, but God has given me His righteousness, as my defense. 

I am confident in blessing, confident in His favor on my life. The Lord has called me out by name, as a light in the darkness. It's...... dark, but He won't forsake me. Change is coming, and for the better.