My life right now feels like it is full of white space.
So much to do - errands to run, classes to get to, race training to enjoy - and yet, in that, there is so much silence. The spaces in between all the errands feel empty, not relaxing. I don't enjoy it.
Not to complain; life has been good! I got to travel a lot this summer, started working small hours at a new job, and have been excited to start my fall classes here at the college. I moved out of my parents' place in May, and moved in with my Grandma - I now live a block away from school and church, get free rent, and more time with her. Can't complain about that, at all.
But there is a certain isolation that comes with all of this. Maybe it just comes with living in Libby - but sometimes you feel like these things pertain more to yourself, specifically.
I've tried not to think about it too much. Occupy myself with a book, or cooking a meal, or wracking my brain for some excuse to go into town - something, anything to get around people.
You ever have that experience where you can be around people all day and yet feel completely alone? Because you're getting things done, maybe actually being productive, but there is no quality time or connection in there. Or if there is, it isn't long enough to fill your "quality connection with others" cup (I think my cup must be pretty big).
I enjoy the community college here. The staff are phenomenal, the students are hilarious, and going back into it for another year almost felt, in a way, like going home. At least half of our students are middle-aged and older, either starting a new career path or returning to finish a degree they started before I was born. That's fine, and fun - I enjoy getting to know the older generation as "peers", in this case. But I miss my own peer group. There are some young adults here in Libby, but not many, and the social side of me feels that void.
I was blessed to travel a lot this summer, one of those trips being a singles' conference at the Focus on the Family campus in Colorado Springs. That was full of new experiences - including making friends with people outside of the high school / early college age range (and who didn't grow up homeschooling with me). That may have been the mental transition where I realized that I'm actually in the "young adult" social sector now. It's nice.
Then I spent the weekend back in Maple Valley, WA before school started - a trip I make periodically to visit my friends and family from GL. Sometimes I feel like everyone I know lives there, and it almost hurts to leave. The constant question while I'm there is, "How long until you move back again?"
A year. Just one more year... Finish my Associate's degree, and then I can move back to Washington.
Where my people are. Where my church is. Where I don't feel so cut off from the world.
Could my first year home have passed by so quickly? And yet, is a year all the longer it's been?! Why did I choose to come back to Libby in the first place? Can I last another year?
And then there's being the single-since-birth girl.
I'm fine with it, really I am. Hanging out with my friends who are dating/engaged/married really doesn't bother me. I don't need a significant other to make me feel fulfilled.
But in all honesty, it sure does sound nice sometimes. At least I'd always have someone to do things with. (Mom and Dad have been hospitable enough to invite me over kind of frequently, which helps with the "lonely girl on a Friday night" syndrome.)
But alas, that's not the point of getting into a relationship. (Or if it is, your priorities need some re-arranging.) Truthfully I don't really want the extra work of being pursued by anyone right now - I have school to focus on, my relationship with the Lord, and things I need to work on in myself before I'm decidedly ready for any of that.
But the white space tries to tell you differently.
I need answers to the questions in my soul.
Why aren't there more people my age that I connect with around here?
Why did the young men I had hoped would wait for me end up pursuing someone else? Is there something wrong with me or is there someone better?
Why does the guy I'm "getting to know" now have to live so far away? And why do details of beliefs and inclinations/attractions have to be so conflicting?
Am I going to be able to stop focusing on relationships, and start developing a vision that I'm more excited about pursuing than I am about finding a man who will pursue me?
On the upside, the extra time has given me opportunity to play a little guitar here and there, and start working my hands at writing (for fun) again. That's been nice. I have missed that. Even picked up a couple books I've been wanting to read, too.
But why does my heart hurt? Why all this white space? Why do I feel this void here, and does anyone else around me feel it too? Will it go away once work and school pick up, and I'll have something substantial to focus on for most of the year? Am I wasting my time here, when I could be spending more of this season someplace where my social tank is being filled? I don't know.
