Shouldn't I be further along by now?

That's the question that I keep asking myself. Shouldn't I, though? Shouldn't I have it all together, and be thriving? I just got out of GL, after all! I thought by now I would be "fixed", so to speak - I thought I would be done fighting insecurity, depression, and discouragement, happily dancing through the rest of my life with a smile on my content face. Sure, I might run into problems, but I would always know what to do with them because of all the nifty tools I got in GL! 

That there is proof that I am an idealist. And these words that I write now, are proof that reality is... well, real. 

The thing is, nobody has it together when we get out of GL. Maybe nobody ever does in their entire lives. Maybe that's the way that God intended it - we never have it all together, but we reach the place where we've fallen into the steady dance and rhythm of depending on Him.

In any case, I don't feel like I've hit the ground running yet. I feel like GL was a swing set that we just jumped off of, but haven't yet landed out of. I feel like when school and my job starts then my feet will start touching soil, but right now I'm still up in the air. 

Since coming back home to Montana, I've fought discouragement a lot. I've cried, a lot. Seriously. I feel kinda ridiculous. It's so strange, coming back to this familiar place. It can be so easy for me to think that I'm falling back into who I was and how I acted before. Back into something that I never want to be again. I get irritated at my family still. I have wrong thoughts, and wrong motives. There are times when all I want to do is cry and scream for frustration, throw something and pull at my hair. There are times when I just want to curl up in a ball.

Shouldn't this be easier? 

Shouldn't I be loving my family all the time? Have infinite patience for my sister? Shouldn't my parents' and grandparents' idiosyncrasies just roll off my back now, like rain off my windshield back in Washington? 

If Daddy lead me back here for a reason... Shouldn't I feel fulfilled by now?

Yesterday, I pulled my car over behind the gas station, layed my head against the steering wheel and just burst into tears. Sometimes I feel like this is too much. Yet, outwardly, there's not really that much stuff coming at me. I mean, I've got no job (yet), school hasn't started yet, I've just been bumming around, really.

 I don't understand why I feel this weight bearing down on my mind, all the time. It tells me to give up. It tells me that I'm going back to the old Rachel, to life as it always was in before in Libby, before GL. The life where I always felt that same weight on my spirit but never reached out to anyone about it; the life where I was so insecure about my looks and my value that I didn't know if anyone could ever fall in love with me, completely; the life where I didn't truly believe that Daddy was that extravagantly good to me. It tells me that I haven't really grown that much, that GL didn't really do me much good. It tells me that I can't/won't make a difference he and that I better just sink into the rhythm and let life do what it will, like everyone else around here. 

This morning, after growing increasingly frustrated with my mom, I shut myself in my room and cried it out again. As much as I sincerely enjoy crying, lately I haven't because I feel like it only pushes me deeper into frustration instead of releasing tension. But this morning was different. Today, instead of feeling like I was just "venting" to God, I felt like I was actually pouring it out onto Him. I read Psalms about The Lord being my defense, and my refuge. About how a righteous man, though he fall seven times, will always get back up. About how The Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, when we delight ourselves in Him.

This morning has been particularly stressful. But in the midst of it I find myself saying, "You are my defense, Lord, and I trust you."

The enemy has no authority or power to take me out. Though I fall, I will always get back up. I don't understand how or why, but God has given me His righteousness, as my defense. 

I am confident in blessing, confident in His favor on my life. The Lord has called me out by name, as a light in the darkness. It's...... dark, but He won't forsake me. Change is coming, and for the better.